Yanni -my greek friend from Oxford- left. Yanni, the Greek Robin Hood who shoots arrows and studies AIDS. We -my friends, Yanni and his Indian friends- had a good time at Caprice. It is funny that it was the first time I went there, the first time since I arrived. It reminded me of BarRisa and the last night I was in Oxford, of my Goodbye night. They played that stupid greek song "undercover" and I was about to cry. They also played some persian and turkish music. But I was miles away I guess. I was in oxford, dancing with the same songs in the MCR at St Peters' College. I am now streched between MIT and Oxford. I was just thinking about it, about when I will possibly get over Oxford. Never I suppose. It was not about the photos that Yanni showed me, it was not about those faces that I miss, it was not even about the songs. It was about the turning point of my life in St Peters'. It was about Me becoming. It was about me and my Kooch. I couldn't have gotten a better place for my first flight, my first kooch. Now, it has been almost four months that I am struggling with this nostalgia, trying -and actually managing- to fit into the American life, trying to become again. But it is not the same. It has been great, I have no complaints. On the contrary, I am loving it. But it is nothing like what I had back then. There was something unique about that city, about the history, the culture, even traditions. It was so me. I cannot be more grateful for Oxford having happened in my life. And now, Yanni left, and just like that, Oxford is gone from MIT. It is weird, I feel like going back to my photo albums tonight, I miss Shiva, I miss Naty, and I miss a cup of mint tea at Tarbouch. They even played some of the Arabic songs of Tarbouch tonight, the ones which Shiva and I loved. It all happened in two days. Just like that, my life has taken a different direction, a great one indeed. I wouldn't change it for anything. But I now know that wherever you go, you take memos with you. My memo from oxford however, is a beautiful life that I -quite miraculously- lived in such a short time...

It is weird I suppose, but it means a lot to be able to share stuff with people. I was just telling Yanni and Shiva how sad it is that no one at MIT knows how it feels to eat in the hall, to wear those long black gowns, to wear subfask at the time of exams, to eat at the High Table on Tuesday nights, to go to Rod Cam, and to live at St Margaret's House. No one at MIT know George the head Porter, or Paul, the kind fat porter with that big smile on his face. No one knows how stinky the TV room of the MCR is. This is why I felt so at home when Yanni visited us. I was just telling Shiva how I feel when I think about having all these friends all over the planet. I look at the world map, and feel safe and happy when I see I have amazing friends on each spot. Friends who know what a difference stepping in Gloucester Green Station can make in your life.

My first semester is over, and I cannot believe it went by so quickly. My final projects and papers, and above all, my first months of Cambridge life are now gone. I look back and cannot help but wonder if my life could have taken a better direction. I now know how it feels to be where you want to be, in lifeI mean. I enjoy what I do, I love what I read, and I embrace what comes along. Over the course of few months, I have amazing friends from different continents, I have beautiful memories, I have found a new Me after all. Isn't that what I came all the way for? Dreams on the other hand, are what I am living for. I have plenty of them, and perhaps that is why I feel so alive.

I had the greatest time over the holidays, spending time with lovely freinds, singing and drinking with Mehdi and Mehrnoush and Babak, taking long walks on foggy roads, reciting poetry and talking about our beloeved homeland. I needed a break, to spend some time with myself. This is the thing about the States, about MIT. It leaves you no free time to have a chat with yourself every once in a while. That is why I had to take a break, and I couldn't have gotten a better one. Now back in Cambridge, I feel I have a lot to think about, to live for. This Xmas, this new year of 2006, this vacant MIT, this tender feeling of hope and life, this new circle of freinds and this huge pack of dreams, is what I call life. The time of new year is always a chance to look back and to re-evaluate your life, even if it is not my new year. It is a while I am living on two calenders, on two waves, in two seperate venues, and yet I am living both of them. This is what migration is all about, and the good thing is you always have a double chance of celebrating life, celebrating your being. I look back and remember last xmas at Chery joon's place in Oxford. We took a long walk in Iffley village, we knew it would be my last Xmas in Oxford, but what I didn not know was where I would be the following Xmas. This is life, this is when you realise life is not about knowing where you are heading, but mainly about how you live it right now...

Yannis, my best greek friend from Oxford, is visiting us for two days. He showed me last night all the photos he had on his laptop, and just like that brought Oxford to Cambridge, or else, took me to Oxford again. It was very nostalgic to look at those photos, those faces, those Bops and those Guest nights again. It was all too familiar, except I was not there anymore. He had put lots of Greek/Turkish/Persian music on my iPod when I was leaving in June, the same day when he saw me off in Gluster Green station. I had spent all my time in Montreal in August, listening to those songs. Tragically, I lost all of them due to an error on the bloody iPod. Last night, he put them on my Ipod again, and now listening to "Undercover" and a lot more, I cannot help but think of summer, of my many flights, of home, of Oxford, of BBQ s and goodbyes, and of Montreal. It is such a paradoxical feeling, you know how priceless it is to have friends all over the planet, yet you keep missing them and that hurts. I wonder if it is myself who I am missing, the Me who lived those days, or it is the entire exprience of Oxford. I wonder how I would feel about MIT in say five years time. Life is such a journey, and you are always left with memos.
So, just about twenty four hours to 2006, I am traditionally looking back, and this time quickly looking ahead, wondering where my life is taking me.. Grateful for whatever I have been granted so far, I keep hoping for a future full of friendships and dreams, of meaningful experiences and cherished moments. 2005 was a unique year for me, in which my life took a drastic turn, everything I started afresh, as if I was just born. In a way, this is my first birthday in terms of me being in charge of my own life. Shall I grow old doing what I am dreaming of? Who knows. All I know is that, so long as I have dreams, I am alive...

Snow, Time and I

Memorial Drive...



Sitting in Haydan library, I try to look back and remember all the evenings I have spent in different libraries.. From Tehran University, to the library of Shariati hospital when I had to present my patient in the morning report of the following day, to Bodleian library in Oxford and those ancient staircases, to St Peters' library with those leather top desks, to now Haydan library at MIT. It looks like a lifetime I have spent in libraries, preparing for exams, working on projects; Or else, it rather seems to me like lifetimes of different people who I have been and have become. It has been snowing over the weekend and the campus is dressed in white. I look at Charles River through the window, and cannot help looking at my life. Maybe it is the white and serene beauty of snow which has made me feel like this. For some reason, I feel so grateful today, for happiness is about enjoying what you do even when you have to work hard, about feeling the love of your family even when you miss them most, and about knowing that every single moment of your life is as guaranteed as this beautiful snow, you never know until when it will be there.
The hot cup of Latte in my hands reminds me how warm one is able to feel in the midst of freezing cold days ...

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